I’m At A Loss

So I haven’t written in awhile. Perhaps it’s a combination of writer’s block, writer’s fear, or perhaps writer’s procrastination. Whatever the reason, the page has been blank for too long.

I’m at a loss for words, you could say.

But tonight I feel like writing.

Her birthday comes Saturday, and in my journey of grief, I’ve decided – with the help and encouragement from someone who doesn’t really know me much at all – that perhaps I should mark the occasion with words. In these moments, people work through their skills. I’m a singer, but not a composer. I’m certainly not a painter, for my dad and brother hoarded those genetic prizes (though, in my heart of hearts, I really want to learn). So here I sit. My laptop and me. We’ll see how this goes.

…

Tonight, Mike and I went to see “La La Land.” Those of you who have known me for even a short time know my love for musicals, both on stage and screen. There’s something about those moments that become too big for characters to simply say what they mean. See, they, too, are at a loss… for words, but not for song. The heart of what they mean, and what they feel, can only be expressed in melodies and chords.

And maybe that’s why my page has been blank. The last time I wrote was for her, and for you. I had purpose with my writing. To update. Explain. To thank. Maybe the moment has become big enough that I need to try on writing for me. What if my song, is this page? To honor.

In the movie there’s one scene (and no spoilers here, so read along) where the main character, Mia, is telling a story to someone. The story is unimportant here, but the main message is that sometimes in life, bad things, unexplainable things, painful things happen. And what’s the end of the story? “We just have to wait, and see.”

…

Our great nation, my home, the home of my grandparents and theirs, the home to my immigrant in-laws, your home - either permanent or temporary - is also at a loss, so to speak. I’m not intending to be overly political here, because that’s not my point, not my intent. But change is hard, and this change and the months leading to it has been difficult and agonizing, to say the least. I thought tonight, that perhaps, we’re just at a loss.

At a loss for attentive dialogue. At a loss for an agenda larger than our own egos. At a loss for what happens next. At a loss for hope, that the values we teach our children will outlive us, and them. At a loss for what can’t be undone. At a loss for what might fall to pieces. At a loss, because maybe, in the end, no one has any good answers.

So what do we do with these feelings of loss? I’ll tell you what I’m doing.

Each day the sun comes up again, thank God. Each day, we get a chance to begin anew. We wipe away the tears we cried, maybe even just hours ago. We laugh and celebrate. We enjoy the feeling of the warm sun on our mo(u)rning faces. We bask in the glow of the setting sun and its pink horizon. We turn the music up really loud, or enjoy the peaceful quiet of silence. We remember days that made us love so hard it hurts, and look forward to the days ahead where love will again surround us. We tell stories. We watch musicals, and good movies, and silly television. We read good books. We eat pie, and know it’s just not good enough. We pay attention. We wonder. We cling, and we hope. We pray.

Tonight, we write.

…

So what happens to this feeling of loss? I don’t know. Mia’s short quip is stuck in me, though. Maybe we’re not supposed to know how the story ends, but so often we want life to be like our favorite big-screen movies. We love a happy ending. But the hard truth of it all is that none of us knows how this loss…for words…for moments… for feelings, ends. We can’t. It’s not in the script. And sometimes, the best stories take unexpected, unimaginable turns. 

So, maybe we’re just supposed unleash our hearts and surrender to the big moment of loss. We sing, or dance, or draw, or write.

In the end, we’ll just have to wait and see.